friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL