friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink