Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
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I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.