Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.