Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I’m not alone. I have ants.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.