Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Buying a well is money well spent.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.