Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.