ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you