FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer