FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
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*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
The big book of baby names but for safe words
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*