Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I drew y’all a little something.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.