Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week