Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
tis the season
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name