*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
my first dose meeting my second
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Genius idea!!
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.