Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
mom gave me mine for free
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Happy Caturday!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.