When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
You Might Also Like
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
💻🤡
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Easy enough.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
This is my brand.