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@mdob11: Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
@stewnami: Stealing being illegal is why I can't have nice things.
@meaganbb1: Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind
@BarebakAssassin: The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won't be known as their "worst regret" when you break up.
@SuperJuanderer: If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.
@SadieSkyNinja: [if my cat tweeted]
When "over 38" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.