*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Britain be like
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
so, is there a mister shapen head
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.