[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Lmao
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
spicy snake
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]