Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks