Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Well, this certainly took a turn
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
wtf is a larm clock?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?