@GrantTanaka: First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@envydatropic: Christmas decorating 101 - Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations Your move Martha Stewart

@KeetPotato: [me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party] me: "how did we both fit in this lmao"

@tastefactory: [in front of fire] DATE: I'm still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

@brennadine: I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES "Don't you mean catlike-" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]