Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
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[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.