friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.