Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
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I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
The internet is full of many things
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”