FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.