Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Geez man, take it easy.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Not all heroes wear capes….
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!