friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.