me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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The internet is magic sometimes.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in