Free him
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.