I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My beach vacation Google searches
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken