FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”