Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!