Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall