Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?