Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.