I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
You Might Also Like
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Always
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family