friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise