friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
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sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.