*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
this is literally a CIA plant
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far