[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
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forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Very good news from my accountant
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button