Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)