Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.