Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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Fights fire with marshmallows
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.