Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
courtroom exchange of the day
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.