Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
fourth time’s the charm
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up