The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Which wines pair best with gloating?