I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
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Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
The opposite of goth is stopth.