FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Goodnight 🐶
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away