Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
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Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order鈥檚 ready.
When I鈥檓 mad at a shirt I鈥檒l wear it when I鈥檓 eating soup.
I鈥檓 getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There鈥檚 no way they don鈥檛 get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it鈥檚 too early.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My Alexa only responds when I鈥檓 shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
I鈥檓 into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pok茅mon.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries