Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!